Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
