Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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