We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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