if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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