Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
