non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
