good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
