I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
It's blow job season.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Randomize
