and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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