It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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