i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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