There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
