Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
