I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
