So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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