the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Randomize
