She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
