If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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