is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
