I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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