I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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