We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
