someone get that fucking seahorse.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
