I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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