My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
