Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
