If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
The feeling are messing with the penis
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
