I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
