i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
