Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
