I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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