What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
