so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
