I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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