I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
