so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
