Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
