I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
