so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
