I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
