I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
