she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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