Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
