i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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