i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
