I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize