i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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