Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
