we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
