i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
