Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You were trust falling into bushes
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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