I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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