Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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