i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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