I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
