i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
