Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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