dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize